That was even the wrong way for me to see them.<\/p>\n
I was still upstairs, but I was behind two families and a coffee cart at the airport. I had to crane my neck to see for them. I couldn\u2019t hear the statements because my heart was beating so fast. Then, finally, I caught a glimpse through the crowd\u2014<\/p>\n
His clothes.<\/p>\n
I knew that bag better than I knew myself.<\/p>\n
Then she\u2014our daughter\u2014walked with him in that little dress that matched, which I swore she would never wear. She did, though. For him alone.<\/p>\n
She grabbed his hand tightly and didn\u2019t want to let go. She stepped onto the escalator with her head turned up and stared at him like they had done it a thousand times before, even though they hadn\u2019t seen each other in almost a year.<\/p>\n
I had no idea how I felt. Angry? Comfort? Maybe a mix of the two.<\/p>\n
I felt my breath catch in my throat as I watched them fade behind the crowds. I wasn\u2019t expecting to see them back together, like a family. There were a thousand questions going through my mind, and most of them were too painful to ask. Why did he come here? Why didn\u2019t he tell me about this get-together with our daughter?<\/p>\n
The worst part, though? I felt like I was left out. I no longer felt like I belonged in that scene. The picture I always had in my mind of my family was now broken into pieces, with him and her\u2014my daughter\u2014standing in the frame that used to be mine.<\/p>\n
Joe had been gone for almost a year. Lily, our daughter, was only five years old at the time, and I worried that she might not even remember her dad the same way. But it was clear she hadn\u2019t forgotten anything when I saw them together today. At that moment, I understood that she was still his daughter, even though I had tried to keep her from feeling the pain of his death. No matter how easy it was for him to leave, she still wanted and needed him.<\/p>\n
I stood there with a lot of different feelings going through my head: anger, hurt, and a heavy feeling of loss that got heavier as time went on. Jason was my rock. I knew he would always be there for me. But he left when things got tough. He said it was for \u201chis career,\u201d which was the same job he had always loved, but I thought it was just an excuse. A simple way out.<\/p>\n
I was at the airport, though, watching him hold our daughter\u2019s hand with the same love I had felt when he held mine. Even though I knew it was stupid, I still wanted to yell at him. When things went wrong a few months ago and he told me he wasn\u2019t sure he could handle his family duties, I wanted to drag him back to that time. He felt \u201ctrapped\u201d by our life together.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d left, and I stayed, trying to keep everything together for our daughter.<\/p>\n
I tried to ignore the pain by taking a deep breath. Watching them get back together was a strange and uncontrolled feeling. A small part of me couldn\u2019t help but be happy for Lily, though. It had been months since she had asked for him. It was clear that she missed him.<\/p>\n
I tried to stay calm as I watched them get on their flight. They came back, and I had no idea what to expect. But I couldn\u2019t let that break me. I couldn\u2019t let the past decide what would happen next.<\/p>\n
It was the same old thing I did every day. While I worked and took care of Lily, I tried to control my feelings. But there was a touch every day to remind them. Everything that Lily did, from drawing a picture of Jason for him to saying she missed her dad, made me feel bad.<\/p>\n
I chose to call him one afternoon. I wasn\u2019t going to wait for him to come to me because I needed to know what was going on. It was important for me to know what was going on and if this reunion was more than just a short stay.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Jay.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, nice to hear from you. \u201cHow is Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to talk to you about something, but she\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
The other person spoke for a moment, and then he spoke again. \u201cThank you for calling.\u201d I wished I could talk to you.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about?\u201d I didn\u2019t mean for my voice to be sharp, but it was. I didn\u2019t mean to sound mad, but I did.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry for what I did.\u201d For everything. I know I should have done something different.<\/p>\n
I was shocked. Say sorry? He had never really said sorry. Not right away.<\/p>\n
\u201cJason, I don\u2019t want you to say sorry.\u201d I need to know what this means. What do you do after you show up and hang out with Lily? Are you going to return? Are we back together as a family? \u201cOr is this just a stop on the way to where you need to go next?\u201d<\/p>\n
I could tell he wasn\u2019t sure. \u201cI\u2019m not sure yet.\u201d Even though I don\u2019t know what will happen, I want to be a better dad to Lily. I\u2019m sorry for all the things I missed, and I don\u2019t want to keep whining. But I\u2019m not sure about us. About how we\u2019re together.<\/p>\n
My heart was beating faster and slower. Not sure about us?<\/p>\n
I know you didn\u2019t just leave me, Jason. You stopped being with your daughter. Do you think she doesn\u2019t see? You are what she wants. And you just\u2026 you show up like everything is okay? Do you think you can pick up where we left off?\u201d<\/p>\n
We were both quiet for a long time; it seemed like nothing could be said. He finally spoke again, but this time his voice was lower.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry I did that.\u201d I know that a few trips won\u2019t be enough to fix everything. I want to try, though. At least I want to make things right with Lily.<\/p>\n
A tiny bit of hope came to me. Just maybe, this was the beginning of something. Jake might be able to come back into our lives as the father Lily needs instead of just the person who ran away when things got tough.<\/p>\n
But that hope was quickly dashed when he went on.<\/p>\n
\u201cI met someone too,\u201d he said in a low voice. \u201cI believe she is the one.\u201d I don\u2019t know what that means for us\u2026 I want to tell you the truth, though.<\/p>\n
I was hit hard by the words. He had met someone else? He was already moving on?<\/p>\n
He said, \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to hurt you, but I can\u2019t keep hiding this.\u201d \u201cI need to move on.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was ready to scream. I almost cried. Instead, I sat there in quiet and didn\u2019t feel anything.<\/p>\n
I kept thinking about what Jason had said after we were done talking. He was ready to go. He was going to be Lily\u2019s dad, but not for our family.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when the twist happened. Sometime after a few weeks, I saw someone at the shop. It was the woman Jason had been seeing. Claire was her name. She must have seen the same pain in my eyes that I must have had when I found out about her. But she didn\u2019t avoid me. Instead, she smiled softly and said, \u201cI know this is hard for you.\u201d I hope you get it, though. He\u2019s not the same person he used to be. I want to make sure he doesn\u2019t miss out on the important things.<\/p>\n
Something changed inside me at that moment. It would have been easy for me to be angry, bitter, and spiteful, but I did something great. The past wasn\u2019t something I needed to hold on to. I could get better the more I let go of the pain.<\/p>\n
After a month, Jason called me, which was a strange turn of events. I thought he was still lost when he said something that caught me off guard.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve chosen to hang out with Lily more.\u201d I want to be with her, even if it\u2019s not you. \u201cWhat I did is over, but I can still try to be a good dad.\u201d<\/p>\n
I realized something very important at that very moment. People need to go through their own problems and travels from time to time in order to understand what\u2019s important. Jason might not have come back to our family the way I thought he would, but he was finally there for Lily when she needed him to be. That might have been enough.<\/p>\n
I finally came to terms with the fact that I didn\u2019t need him to be whole. I could make a future for Lily and myself that didn\u2019t depend on him. That was the real win in the end.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re going through something similar, like a tough split, a relationship that\u2019s not getting along, or just trying to figure out how to move on, remember this: you can\u2019t change the past, but you can change how you deal with it. Don\u2019t let other people\u2019s mistakes make you who you are. Take charge of your story and make it one that people will want to hear.<\/p>\n
Tell someone who might need to hear this that letting go has made you stronger. No matter what, we all deserve to move on. We can do it together.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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